How House of Caswell is Like Pee-wee Herman

My husband and I were watching a documentary about Pee-wee Herman last night and something in it really resonated with me. Paul Reubens, the creator and actor who played the role of Pee-wee, had an audition at SNL before the character became really popular. Everybody was so sure he was going to get the job, and even he was so sure he’d get it, but then he didn’t. At first, he said, he thought he’d missed his one big chance and his career would be over soon. But he decided to keep trying with the Pee-wee character anyway, that he’d give himself the opportunity to succeed as an actor, even if it wasn’t going to be handed to him by an already established entity. He built something for himself out of nothing. That’s the part that meant so much to me, because that’s what House of Caswell is for me. I didn’t get the job either, but I’m making one for myself.

Last November, I had three interviews for what I thought would be my dream job at Nike, a graphic designer. I’ve loved Nike since the moment I became aware of its existence. I’ve read Shoe Dog by it’s founder Phil Knight multiple times. I begged for a pair of Nike shoes in second grade, and finally got them. They were my prized possession. I wanted to get that job so badly. I made the best portfolio presentation I could for my third interview, laying out the collections I’d designed (ironically, that included the first House of Caswell collection, which I’d designed specifically for my portfolio in the beginning). And then I didn’t get the job.

Interestingly, the interviewer said something to me that stuck in my mind though, and helped water the seed that had been planted in my mind already. He asked me, after viewing my portfolio which included the full first collection I’d designed for the future House of Caswell, “Do you want to be a designer?” As in a full-fledge designer, not a graphic designer. And I thought to myself, of course that’s what I want! That’s what I had always wanted Berried Alive to be too, but it had never quite worked out. It was so clear, based on my portfolio that that’s what I want, but strangely it wasn’t clear to me yet then. But his question stuck with me, and I kept thinking about it for a couple months, letting the realization sink in that I might not have been as happy working as a corporate graphic designer as I thought I’d be. I’m already used to entrepreneurship from Berried Alive. It might have been slightly unfulfilling to work for a big brand now, even a brand I love.

Listening to Paul Reubens talk about his experience missing out on the job but creating his own reminded me of my own experience. I have known from the beginning of House of Caswell that what I’m doing here is attempting to create my own dream job after I didn’t get the job I thought I wanted so badly. But what I’ve never been clear on is whether this can actually work. Pee-wee Herman totally inspired me. I am going to be like Pee-wee Herman and, even though somebody else didn’t give me a chance, I’m going to give myself a chance. And it’s going to be with something I made myself from scratch.